A personal reflection of 2020: My answer to adulting

December is approaching and as 2020 is about to end, it is time to look back and reflect upon ourself. 2020 is a year of personal growth. My experience living alone in London and returning to Hong Kong under my parent’s roof makes me understand different stage of my emotion.

Jan-Mar

Prior 2020, I am out of school, landed my first job, hated it and decided to book a 3 weeks new year holiday. I remember vividly writing a list of goals with friends under the starry night in Kah Toh where I enrolled myself to a scuba diving course. This is my first goal of 2020, it was fun, well executed and I am so glad to checked off one box off the list. I went back to work motivated and felt less lost about my quarter life crisis. Time flew by as work piles up. I made new friends and finally established a support system in London, the city of loneliness. Spring is approaching, and I was on skyscanner constantly planning around schedules to make way for weekend getaway. Everything was great, until the pandemic hit.

Mar-Jul

I was skeptical about whether the virus will take over Europe. One day at work, my colleagues told me his plan on going to France the coming weekend as I was sharing my plan for the coming two trips ahead. We all know how it went, these trip never happened. The only thing I anticipated was getting my money back from all the hotel bookings and plane ticket. The feeling of disappointment soon got replaced by fear. The idea of not having a single person in mind for emergency contact when I think of back up plan if I got Covid scares me. I felt lonely and lost again. I realised I was never mentally prepared for adulting yet, even after 6 months of living alone. I always brain washing myself. I thought I am independent and enjoy the idea of possibly immigrating to somewhere eventually. But I was wrong about myself.

Lock Down. Work from Home. All things were blurred. I lived in a very interesting neighbourhood which I did not had a chance to explore during day time. Working from home gave me the chances to explore parks around me, small corner shop at the road which I normally do not take and local food. I also got into cooking, baking and mixology. Everything was new and exciting. Work became less stressful surprisingly. Having less human interaction and commute on the Piccadilly line greatly reduced my stress. I was more energetic and even get into the habit of working out. I took more online class and felt great about myself.

The high lasted for an extended period until May when everything became my new normal again. I was bored and thirsty for human interaction. I started to notice myself going to Tesco during lunchtime and Sainsbury the same evening just to be around human being ( and some post work chocolate). I had a lot more time to reflect on myself but this also gave me more sleepless night. Overall, I am good, but not satisfied. I slacked off my routine and realised nothing has changed even though I thought I have done so much.

I am still lonely. I am still lost.

Jul-Dec

School begins remotely. I was excited to be able to have full control of my own design again. Work is hard but satisfying. However, there is a voice inside my head constantly questioning my future. I feel a sense of urge to figure out what I want in life. I have been running away from this question for years. I tricked myself into thinking I liked something. I thought if I have the ability to do something while I do not find it repelling then it would be a good decision. However, this is just a too simple dissection of the problem. The only drive that you could hold on to within difficult times is passion. I seems to not have find my passion. The core of the problem is who I really am?

Whats next?

It is a weird sensation to look into the mirror and feel strange. It is the face you see everyday but you do not know a lot about it. I think what I really needed to do is take action in knowing myself. To put myself in discomfort zone and observe how my own emotion changes. I have been in search of the meaning of being an adult. I guess one of the answer is being able to cope with yourself and feel contented about it.